When making the "wrong" choice is the right choice ..

I had been thinking about writing this post for a while ... I thought about posting a note on Facebook, or just writing something for myself and then I read a wonderful post by Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing. (If you haven't already checked out his blog you NEED to!! http://www.danoah.com/, awesome stuff!! His book is pretty darn good too!)

Anywho, I have been feeling pretty crappy about being a twice divorced, single mother, with no degree, and lots and lots of issues, problems, chaos, insecurities, quirks. Lately, I've been questioning the decisions that I made in both my marriages. I have been asking the "what if" questions that really don't help. After reading the SDL blog I remembered why I made those decisions.

First off, neither decision was easy to make. I know I am not blameless in either case and my decisions have had a big impact on a lot of people. I know that I'm not an easy person to live with. I  know that I'm stubborn to a fault and that I have a hair trigger. I also know that I make bad choices.

I was 19, yup, 19 the first time I got married. I married a boy that, on the surface was great. I'm sure we are all like that. We all shine up nicely on the outside and say and do all the right things only to find out that the inside is sometimes a little bruised...

Sometimes it's down right rotten! I'm not saying that he was rotten, but his life had lead him to believe that he could use people to get what he wanted. When we met I was living with my parents on a 5 acre property with my two horses and three that we were looking after. After our divorce he confessed that one of the things he "liked" about me most when we met was that he thought I had a lot of money. WRONG!! Anyone who has horses knows that they are expensive!

So, we got married, had a baby, did all the things you're supposed to do when you "grow up". The only problem was ... we didn't like each other anymore. We didn't like each other's family. We were miserable and trying to make eachother miserable, because after all if one person can't be happy why should the other one??

We got divorced. We argued about child support, we argued about visitation. In one conversation he made the comment "can't someone you work with just adopt him? I don't have the money for this crap". That was when I knew that this man had no real desire to be a father. This boy wasn't interested in watching his child blossom and reach his potential. After that I was okay with him not being part of our lives. He has made only a handful of attempts to contact his son in the eight years since we split. The last time my son told me that "I don't want to talk to him Mommy. He only wants to be my Dad when he can brag about what I've done good, you have to be my Mom when I mess up too."  My hear just about broke but I realized in that moment that I was doing something right. My son knew that I loved him no matter what was going on.

I met my second husband at work. (Note to self: Not a good idea!!) We were friends through my divorce and the end of his previous relationship. We laughed, we talked, we understood each other. We started dating and dated off and on for two years then decided that we wanted a more serious relationship. We found out that I was pregnant about 6 months after that and decided that we would get married. We were already building our family. Looking back there were lots of "red flags", lots of "STOP, go back" points but I so wanted to be married and have a "real" family that I ignored them all. Things didn't work out. He started drinking more and more. I started dragging my Mom over to help with the kids and to help me avoid dealing with the real issues. The fun we used to have was gone. I wanted to have "date nights" he just wanted to stay home. It didn't end well. There was no just "walking away". Since our divorce he has become a better father. He is still involved in my son's life because he's really the only "Dad" my son has known. We still have our ups and downs but for the most part we're better parents because we're not together.

I have been criticized repeatedly by people who I considered friends for both choices. Some people say I should "have seen what was going to happen", some say I should have "stuck it out". I have been criticized for letting my son still spend time with his step-dad after the things that happened.

Both relationships somewhat mirrored my parents relationships: both had verbal abuse, the second had physical abuse, both were unhappy. My parents stayed together for me and it made us all miserable. My Dad had multiple affairs and my Mom had no friends or family close so she confided in me at a time when I should have been oblivous to their problems.

I know that growing up in a home like that really messes you up! I know that I prayed for my Mom to let my Dad walk out and not to chase him down the street begging him to come home. I know that I gave up opportunities because I felt responsible for taking care of my Mom. And, I know that I don't want any of those feelings for my kids.

I want my kids to be happy. I want them to know how loved they are. I want them to know how special they are. I want them to know that both parents are attentive to them. The best way for me to do this was to leave unhappy marriages.

Now I have SUPER DUPER HAPPY KIDS!! (most of the time)

Would I change what happened: Yes

Would I do things differently: Yes

Do I still believe in love: Definately!

Would I get married again: The jury is still out on this one ....