When making the "wrong" choice is the right choice ..

I had been thinking about writing this post for a while ... I thought about posting a note on Facebook, or just writing something for myself and then I read a wonderful post by Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing. (If you haven't already checked out his blog you NEED to!! http://www.danoah.com/, awesome stuff!! His book is pretty darn good too!)

Anywho, I have been feeling pretty crappy about being a twice divorced, single mother, with no degree, and lots and lots of issues, problems, chaos, insecurities, quirks. Lately, I've been questioning the decisions that I made in both my marriages. I have been asking the "what if" questions that really don't help. After reading the SDL blog I remembered why I made those decisions.

First off, neither decision was easy to make. I know I am not blameless in either case and my decisions have had a big impact on a lot of people. I know that I'm not an easy person to live with. I  know that I'm stubborn to a fault and that I have a hair trigger. I also know that I make bad choices.

I was 19, yup, 19 the first time I got married. I married a boy that, on the surface was great. I'm sure we are all like that. We all shine up nicely on the outside and say and do all the right things only to find out that the inside is sometimes a little bruised...

Sometimes it's down right rotten! I'm not saying that he was rotten, but his life had lead him to believe that he could use people to get what he wanted. When we met I was living with my parents on a 5 acre property with my two horses and three that we were looking after. After our divorce he confessed that one of the things he "liked" about me most when we met was that he thought I had a lot of money. WRONG!! Anyone who has horses knows that they are expensive!

So, we got married, had a baby, did all the things you're supposed to do when you "grow up". The only problem was ... we didn't like each other anymore. We didn't like each other's family. We were miserable and trying to make eachother miserable, because after all if one person can't be happy why should the other one??

We got divorced. We argued about child support, we argued about visitation. In one conversation he made the comment "can't someone you work with just adopt him? I don't have the money for this crap". That was when I knew that this man had no real desire to be a father. This boy wasn't interested in watching his child blossom and reach his potential. After that I was okay with him not being part of our lives. He has made only a handful of attempts to contact his son in the eight years since we split. The last time my son told me that "I don't want to talk to him Mommy. He only wants to be my Dad when he can brag about what I've done good, you have to be my Mom when I mess up too."  My hear just about broke but I realized in that moment that I was doing something right. My son knew that I loved him no matter what was going on.

I met my second husband at work. (Note to self: Not a good idea!!) We were friends through my divorce and the end of his previous relationship. We laughed, we talked, we understood each other. We started dating and dated off and on for two years then decided that we wanted a more serious relationship. We found out that I was pregnant about 6 months after that and decided that we would get married. We were already building our family. Looking back there were lots of "red flags", lots of "STOP, go back" points but I so wanted to be married and have a "real" family that I ignored them all. Things didn't work out. He started drinking more and more. I started dragging my Mom over to help with the kids and to help me avoid dealing with the real issues. The fun we used to have was gone. I wanted to have "date nights" he just wanted to stay home. It didn't end well. There was no just "walking away". Since our divorce he has become a better father. He is still involved in my son's life because he's really the only "Dad" my son has known. We still have our ups and downs but for the most part we're better parents because we're not together.

I have been criticized repeatedly by people who I considered friends for both choices. Some people say I should "have seen what was going to happen", some say I should have "stuck it out". I have been criticized for letting my son still spend time with his step-dad after the things that happened.

Both relationships somewhat mirrored my parents relationships: both had verbal abuse, the second had physical abuse, both were unhappy. My parents stayed together for me and it made us all miserable. My Dad had multiple affairs and my Mom had no friends or family close so she confided in me at a time when I should have been oblivous to their problems.

I know that growing up in a home like that really messes you up! I know that I prayed for my Mom to let my Dad walk out and not to chase him down the street begging him to come home. I know that I gave up opportunities because I felt responsible for taking care of my Mom. And, I know that I don't want any of those feelings for my kids.

I want my kids to be happy. I want them to know how loved they are. I want them to know how special they are. I want them to know that both parents are attentive to them. The best way for me to do this was to leave unhappy marriages.

Now I have SUPER DUPER HAPPY KIDS!! (most of the time)

Would I change what happened: Yes

Would I do things differently: Yes

Do I still believe in love: Definately!

Would I get married again: The jury is still out on this one ....

Life Altering Choices ... and Consequences

Time to make some tough decisions ... why is being a grown up so hard?!?!

So recently there have been several things going on in my life, at home, at work, with the kids, in all areas of my life that have lead me to the conclusion that it's time to make some of the tough decisions that I have been putting off for a while...

I really do enjoy my J-O-B and the people that I work with and I know I'm blessed to have a job in this economy.  But... there's always a "but" in these things somewhere ... I also know that I want to accomplish more in my life.

So now I'm faced with the overwhelming choice ... do I split my focus and go back to school? If I do, what do I want to be when I grow up? Will I be able to afford it? Will it be good or bad for the kids? Will I succeed or fail?

OR

Do I continue doing what I'm doing and just hope for the best? Do I hope that the company I work for gets additional contracts? Do I hope that my skills will be needed in a month, six months, a year?

It's a tough decision ... and the more I think about it, the more I realize what I want to do. Now I just need to stop being a chicken procrastinating and DO IT!

I want to live my dream. I want to finish school. I want to be a veterinarian.





I figure at this pace I will graduate from school about the same time as Christian!

But at least I will accomplish my dream!

It's not going to be easy. Not only will I be juggling a full time school load, full time "Mommy" and full time job. I will have to re-balance my precarious co-parenting schedule. The work and school stuff doesn't scare me too much, the co-parenting is the really scary part! My ex and I have had our difficulties trying to balance our schedules. It wasn't a pleasant break up and I'm sure that the whole topic of school will be fine until it means having to move to where the school is.

I think that's maybe why I have put off going back to school for so long. I don't want to have that argument. It's easier to just roll along without rocking the boat ...

Check back and I'll update my progress.... I know I have a diploma around here somewhere ....

Forgiving .... or at least trying .... Part 1

FORGIVE

Okay, so that's the message of the week at Church, and I'm honestly really trying to forgive a lot of people in my life. Trying  being the key word in that sentence. And in my quest to find the compassionate part of me that wants to forgive the people who have hurt me I have come to the conclusion that I have to let out the hurt. The best way to let out the hurt is to talk about it. At least that's what I'm going to try.... we'll see if it works.

My Dad, wow, where to start. My Dad and I used to be so close. I remember being a little girl riding on his shoulders. I remember him sharing my passion for riding and feeling like he was proud of me every time I accomplished something new with a horse. I remember going on his motorcycle around the Yorkshire countryside looking for the perfect riding school. I remember him paying £10 to buy back a "Sootie" puppet that I donated to the school sale and then changed my mind.

Then something changed... I became a MONSTER teenager!! I started to think for myself (mostly). I started to develop my own ideals. I started to see the flaws in my flawless parents. I started to question what didn't seem right to me and in my father's eyes I became tarnished and damaged goods. He coached gymnastics and I was always compared to the girls he coached. I was never smart enough, never skinny enough, never quiet enough, never good enough. My Dad was no longer the man who hoisted me onto his shoulders when I told him I couldn't walk any more, "I've only got little legs". My Dad was now the man that had had multiple affairs and had dragged my Mom and I away from all of our family. My Dad was the man that made us walk on egg shells because of his temper. He was the man that had to have things his way. His favorite quote was "choose to be right or choose to be happy" to him the only way to be "happy" was to be "right". That was my first experience with heartbreak.

I was involved in theatre throughout high school and into college and I worked really HARD  at what I did. I student directed the fall show my senior year. I was so excited for my parents to see the outcome of my efforts. My Mom and Dad arrived. Mom looked like she'd been crying. Dad was in a foul mood and complained that he had to get back to the gym. Again, someone else's kid was waiting. I didn't matter. He stayed and enjoyed the show. Then compared our little theatre to some of the more lavish high school theatres in the area. Again, I wasn't good enough.

As I transitioned from childhood to adulthood this feeling of inadequacy followed me. It still does. I still feel like I will never be good enough, never enough for anyone to really love. I will always be the little girl who got it wrong. The child who listened to her parents argue at night and prayed that I could escape. The child who wanted to run away but didn't because I knew I'd get that wrong. I took all of this into adulthood with me ... no wonder I made such nightmare, horrible, disgusting, stupid  poor choices when it came to my relationships. I have spent my entire life waiting for people to walk out on me.

I will never again be that innocent child who held her father's hand so trustingly, knowing that he would always be there for me.

 I will never again dance on Daddy's shoes.

I will ALWAYS remember how much it hurt to be let down.

And I forgive him. I forgive him.



I still hurt and I'm still disappointed but I have learned a lot. I have learned what I want to do right as a parent and what I don't want to do. I have learned that time is the greatest gift. That patience, while not always easy to come by, is priceless. That sacrifice doesn't go hand in hand with resentment.

Writing this stirred up a lot of emotions that I have tried to ignore for a long time. It has forced me to acknowledge them. My Dad was the first person to let me down, but not the last, and the last one who did won't be the last either. It's part of life. People come into our lives for varying lengths of time and the imprint they leave can last minutes or a lifetime. What imprint will I leave? Will I be remembered as someone who forgave people who hurt me? Will I be remembered as a good Mom? Who knows. Only time will tell....

Homesick

Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to.  ~John Ed Pearce

So today, actually all week I have been feeling a little homesick.That may sound funny to people who know that I grew up ALL OVER the place ...

I was born in Yorkshire ....

Lived in sunny California...

I even survived lived in Montreal ...

Lived in beautiful Cornwall....

And ended up in the earthly equivalent of Hell Texas!

With temperatures in the upper 90's and low 100's for the past two weeks, no rain since the monsoon monster storms that hammered us before that who wouldn't want to escape vacation in more refreshing climates?!

But where is home???

I've moved so much that I'm not really sure anymore. I can think of things I miss from just about everywhere. (Maybe not so much from Texas but I'm sure I could come up with something if I really thought about it)

I miss my family in Yorkshire, riding on the moors, going to York to walk around and shop see the historical sights, I miss Sherwood Forest and how green everything is!

I miss the beautiful beaches and laid back lifestyle of Cornwall, I miss walking along the cliff paths and riding around the mine and castle ruins...

I miss my friends in California, I miss being able to drive to the mountains, the beach, the desert, wine country all within the same day!

Which leads me to the conclusion that what I really miss isn't the geographical locations, it's how I felt when I was there. I miss the parts of myself that I've lost sight of in the rush of the everyday.

I MISS BEING ME!!

I WILL REMEMBER WHO I AM AND WHAT I LOVE ABOUT ME <3

I'm One Proud Mommy!!

Luke 3:21-22
21 Now it came about that when all the people had been given baptism, Jesus, having had baptism with them, was in prayer, when, the heaven being open, 22 The Holy Spirit came down in the form of a dove, and a voice came from heaven, saying, You are my dearly loved Son, with whom I am well pleased.

I couldn't be more proud of my baby boy who took a HUGE  step toward becoming a MAN this weekend.  Christian was Baptised on Saturday, July 9, 2011 at Fellowship Church. He has made the choice to devote his life to spreading the word of God and to bringing light to those in darkness. His Grammy and I were crying and Abby just wanted to know why she couldn't be Baptised too.

As a Christian, I know that I haven't always followed the path set out for me by God and that I have strayed. Watching Christian walk down to the Baptism pool with the other children who have made the same decision made me want to re-connect with God and to set a better example for my kids. We are all Sons and Daughters of the King and it is by His grace that I have survived the trials of my life thus far.

Thank you and GOD BLESS all the children who gave their hearts and lives to Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior this weekend at

 Fellowship Church. 

For more information about our wonderful church please visit www.fellowshipchurch.com

A Place to Hide

Have you ever felt like Atlas? The Greek guy who had to carry the world on his shoulders? This week has just been one of those weeks! The ones where I'm ready to either

 a) pull my hair out

b) stick my head in the sand

or c) run away ... run far, far away!!

Something tells me I'm not going to get very Far Far Away, so I guess I'll just have to settle for Away.

But where could I go?? Every hiding place I have has been discovered!! Not only is Christian a Super Sleuth but now Abby has caught up with him! I have NO hiding places left! They have found all of them and convinced their loving Grammy to track me down with them!

Geeee Thanks MOM!! You're supposed to be on MY side!!

So since none of the above seem to be an option any more for me I have to figure out a way to escape and relax! What do you do to relax? Where do you hide? I'm hoping to figure this out before the bald patch on the back of my neck just above my tattoo spreads to my entire head!

(An old photograph now but one I absolutely

LOVE!!!)



Just being selfish???

So we made it through the long holiday weekend here in TX. Christian was,  again, absent from the house until yesterday afternoon. When I drove to pick him up the sign at the bank said it was 114 degrees! I know it wasn't that hot technically but it sure felt like it! I feel like I haven't seen my son in a month! He stayed at a friend's house all last week, came home on Friday and left at noon on Saturday. He's 9. I know he's just getting to the point where he wants to spend time with his "cool" friends and not his "uncool" Mom but dang it I miss my kid!!

Abby was an emotional roller coaster this weekend. I'm still not sure how I should explain to a 3 year old that when Daddy said  he was "not coming to get her because she didn't want to go to (his) house the day before" that he didn't mean he didn't want her. She sobbed for about an hour after that one and I felt helpless. I tried to make it as fun as possible for her by having a "girls day" and playing with hair and make up, but she wanted her Dad and he couldn't make time to come see her? That made me about as mad as I have been at him in a long time. I confess I went outside and yelled and screamed about what a jerk he is and about what I think he deserves. The dogs thought I had lost my mind and barked at me when I got a little out of hand. I just had to vent my frustration and I won't do that in front of Abby. She doesn't need to know what he's really like. She'll figure it out all on her own.

So, when Abby says she wants a pool I go to the back yard to the pile of snap set, inflatable, plastic, pools and try to find one that doesn't have a hole in it. No luck. No problem, I'll go get one. Wrong. After driving to 3 Wal Mart's, 2 sports stores, 2 Targets and 1 Big Lots the best I can do is another snap set pool that the dogs will destroy in about 15 minutes. I buy it anyway. The 20 minutes of fun she and Christian will have playing in it make it worth it.

So that gets me to thinking, so many parents out there are okay with their kids being disappointed. When did it become okay as a parent to let your kid down? Is it selfish of me to want to have my kids always like me? Is it selfish of me to want my kids to want to spend time with me?

So I started thinking that maybe I wanted the kids to be happy because it made me feel good. It made me feel like I was a good parent. If my kids are happy I must be doing a good job. Right?

But is it? Nope! I know there are times that I have to say "No" and be the "bad parent". My ex(s) never have to be the bad guys. Why? Because when there is a problem they bail. When the kids aren't "fun" they bail. So am I being selfish by wanting them to have to deal with the tantrums and pre-pre-teen stuff that I have to deal with every day? Is it selfish to want them to struggle financially, like I do, so that I can save up to have a great "Santa" visit?

Oh well, I wouldn't trade the smiles on their faces for all of the money and time in the world. Does that make me a good parent?